When I became sexually active, it did not occur to me that pleasuring my partner is an essential process of intercourse. I modelled sex from porn and the machismo spewed by movie stars on TV. Only one man in my life, a doctor at a Ugandan school I attended, attempted to issue me some sex education.
It’s sad that my generation sufficiently lacks the intricacies of sensuality and sexuality, often approaching the subject with limitations bred from social conditioning stemming from white colonial religious and heavily patriarchal ideas. And for some, it is trauma our bodies have been through that we can barely extensively enjoy sex.
Africans have long been sensual and offering pleasure to your partner was central to it. For instance, what Ugandans call ‘kakyabali’ (read as ‘kachabali’) and Burundians & Rwandans refer to as ‘kunyaza’ is a sexual practice meant to facilitate female orgasm.
The male partner first stimulates the labia minora of the female partner by tapping and also rubbing with his penis and then, at a certain level of arousal, proceeds to stimulate the internal surfaces of the labia minora and the vulval vestibule, including the urinary meatus in the same manner, followed by stimulation of the clitoris.
It involves a non-penetrative and a penetrative phase in progression.
Over the years, I have learned giving pleasure to your partner, concentrating on their body by sensual touch, eye to eye glancing or licking or skin to skin movement, massaging or whichever other means, way before penetration, intensifies the sexual experience especially if you are mutually doing it to each other.
Sex is not sex because of penetration. Sex is sex because of bodies arousing each other, entering a carnal harmony that transcends them into another world.
Be mindful of your sex.