The Havoc of Heartbreak

“What will you do with all this havoc, Eric?”

I thought about it. For a moment there I was unsure what people are supposed to do with pain. She was curious to pick my mind.

“I don’t know, Sarah. I’ve never thought about it that much. I wake up and wonder what I am still doing here. I think I get lost in that haze most times getting to do life, you know.

When I think of my home and the person I have worked so hard to be, it must explain why I am often willing to share so much of myself. I want to be free. So I sort of free people from their miseries.”

She blinked twice in the silence that ensued. Perhaps digesting what I had just said.

“But you don’t let people in that easily, do you? Who takes care of you?” She questioned.

“I don’t look at it that way. For some reason when I was out there as a street boy, as young as I was, my intelligence taught me that I’m alone. I started getting used to it. When you go through something that breaks you over and over it becomes part of you. You don’t know how to be anything different, much as you want to sometimes…

I mean, I’ve met people. I’ve loved them. They’ve loved me. I’ve enjoyed sex. Their company. Stories. Stuff. For me, the fact that they trusted me with all that was gift enough, even though some of those relationships really scarred me.

But of course I get those yearnings. You want a graceful feminine spirit around you to hack life with.”

There was a cup of tea beside her hand. She took a long gaze at the quiet savannah that lay still at the balcony of the hotel. Then nodded. Then went,

“Is there someone you’ve loved before, maybe? Someone you wish you were with today?”

I grin sadly.

“Yeah.

Yes, there is.

She was…beautiful and so simple. Untouched by life’s vagaries. Quiet. Funny.

I’d play truant just to spend time with her. Two years older than me. Fine as hell.”

Sarah laughs.

“Then what happened? Where is she?”

“I uhhm…

I was innocent. I was so innocent. It was those pure things you experience probably once in a lifetime. Twice if you’re lucky.

She left.

She went to get married at 19.

To someone a decade older than her.

I think that was my first heartbreak. Took me some time to get over. But once I met a lady who asked me something similar. When she heard the story she said I had never loved an adult, so I didn’t know love yet.”

“Have you loved an adult?”

Deep sigh.

“I don’t know.

I’ve been young a long while. I’ve done lots of happy things; like getting into relationships hastily, some crazy one night stands…

I discovered most times we crush our bodies into people who trash our worth, it’s family we look for. I fucked up a lot trying to get things right. I was selfish sometimes. Maybe cold in some instances. But you learn and you get better. If you want to.

Have I loved an adult? I don’t know. I once dated a married woman.”

“Oh really?”

Her face brightens with shock and surprise.

“How is that even possible? You? Why? How?”

“Story for another day.”